Holy crap, you're probably an idiot.

So I'm kind of in a mood to rant since... I dunno. It's not important. I'll cover a few topics, so try to keep up a bit.

The Green Movement
I have nothing against the Earth. Really. We've known each other for a long time, and so far we've gotten along. I don't hurt the Earth, it doesn't hurt me. At least, if I am hurting it or it's hurting me, neither of us care enough to tell the other.

There's other people that say (and I'm generalizing, because I'm too lazy to find quotes and cite my sources; take that, high school English.) that the Earth is pretty much going to kill us all because we all drive cars and eat red meat, and a few other things that have to do with ducks and trees, but most of that is kind of vague.

Anyway, most of the green movement can take their crap and shove it up their arse, because most of the crap about pollution and global warming is kind of shit- in a very literal sense. We aren't going to die in 2012 because you still have the Escalade you sold one of your kidney's (and probably a child somewhere) to get. While I do agree with the idea that we should be creating cars that don't look like everything that symbolizes what an ass you are, I don't think we need to start stealing normal cars out of garages and replacing them with scooters and a few AA batteries from Wal-Mart. People like to damn-near spit on people who bought (and for some reason still buy) those big SUV's and take their crappy Geo's and drive off, but really when you think about it, those people are paying out the ass for gas every time at the pump, if they fill it all the way, that is. A lot of them don't. Sometimes I rubberneck at the gas station, and a lot of those SUV's are only putting in about 10 gallons a pop. Yeah, it all equals out in the end I suppose, but it's the idea that even they realize that buying that huge peice of crap wasn't the best idea.

We aren't going to hell in a handbasket because of cars and pollution and all that- a lot of what Al Gore is talking about has happened all the time- even before we were around. Go ahead and google "Earth temperature graph" and find one that goes back really far- like before the ice age. See where our temperature is? It's not even near as hot as the Earth has been before. But also, look at the timeline: it's probably in thousands of years. Yeah. You'll be feeling that in your grave.

You can't have a valid arguement about global warming when it already has happened before, and more or less is something that happens once in a while. It's natural. Deal with it.

A lot of the arguements the green movement makes are valid to a certain extent: we should keep up on recycling stuff, work on alternative fuels, start making power plants more effecient, bring solar energy to something everyone can afford, and stop being dipshits about what happens to our trash.

But don't go around screaming that we're all going to die if you don't recycle that soda can. There's always going to be people that won't believe you. Always. Just save your breath and walk calmly behind them, pick up the can, and fling it at their head and turn 90° to whatever direction has an easy escape route.


The majority of anyone a at least a few years younger than me, and some my age.
I thought that the generational gap was sort of large- the people who I grew up with were often older than me, at least besides my friends in school. None of them ever seemed stupid or obnoxious, and certainly none of them were "mainstream" because back in the day there wasn't really a lot of "mainstream" things that grabbed kids attention. It was the 90's, we didn't care. If we did, I wasn't aware of it.

These days, there's so many things a kid can get into, and so easily, that it's really starting to get annoying. I know how corporate America is, that's not it. I know that they will use any means to get their product or service to kids, and it's been that way for a while. I'm more annoyed with how they do it.

You know what I'm talking about: those commercials for cell phone backgrounds (that are still around, so that means that there is still stupidity in this world) that are filled with some hiphop beat (often not even an actual song, just bass hits) and a guy who I'm pretty sure has already suffered 18 heart attacks from talking so enthusiastically without being on speed. You text a number to another number, and with the magik of the 'internets' you get some craptastic background. By law, they have to have that frog guy in them. For serious.

I'm not trying to be nostalgic so much as I don't understand why this sort of thing works. It still obviously does because I still see the commercials everywhere. I thought kids would be smart enough to look at that and go "wow, that background looks like shit on a hot summer day" and something along the lines of "I have a basic understanding of MSPaint and I know how to copy/paste whatever naked woman I want and send it to my phone from my email" but instead they text that number for whatever stupid background is jiggling around the screen faster than Neo at the end of the first Matrix movie.

The same sort of misunderstanding I have with the younger generation also applies to a lot of things: Pop music (it's not what it used to mean), the internet (no, it's not a place to sing over some song you think is cool with your shitty webcam and a microphone I swear you stole off of a 1980's cellphone), and fashion (just simply, what the fuck.)

I get the feeling more kids are being pampered to shit and back by their parents, and I don't understand why. I know it's hard to say no to a kid, but my parents used to use something along the lines of "no, you can't have that." and it was the 2nd most common phrase in my childhood other than "holy shit what did you do?!" and just ahead of "did you do your homework?" All of this comes at the expense of other people's sanity. We all see this sort of thing, just go to a large mall on a Saturday, if you dare. You'll see tons of kids who think it is the coolest thing to just walk around the mall being a dumbass. I don't know about you, but when did that become a genuine pastime to kids? I used to play outside when I was really young, and when I started middle school the outside was fun but I liked doing things like reading and hanging out with my friends at their goddam houses instead of some often-too-cold mall with a shit storm of people who are trying to get somewhere and get out of that hellhole before noon.

I'm really not looking foreward to getting older, and not the usual reasons like balding or losing my eyesight, but really I'm worried that I'm going to have to deal with a 30-something guy in a convenience store who knows jack shit about where the nearest service station is because I have a hole in my tire, and he can't tell me because he's never fixed a damn flat in his life. The next entry I make will probably be my own list of what you need to do before you turn 25 that will help you survive at least another 20 years before you kill yourself.

Anyway: I've got two kids (at least for now) and so help me, they aren't going to fall into whatever shit hole of a trance teenagers and a lot of people my age have fallen into and be little pricks when they get older. We don't need this sort of shit; we need people who are actually going to take a step back and think about what they are doing.


The iPhone
Yeah, yeah, it's been out for about 20 years now and everyone has written about all the bad things about it (of course it doesn't have copy and paste; Apple doesn't expect you to remember shit) and why it is overpriced (did you see the logo? It's the Apple logo. Duh.) but a lot of people don't get what I'm saying when I say it's not that big of a deal. For at least this many reasons:

1. You don't need the internet on your phone. Get over it.
No, no, no. You don't need the internet on your phone. Why? Becuase it wasn't made for phones; it was made for power-sucking computers and NASA. Besides a bunch of nerdy shit (like a phone's resolution compared to even a dinky 13 inch CRT is like comparing your dick to an ants) there's a line that has been crossed between having the utter annoyance of having a cell phone (people always expect you to answer it) and the annoyance of the internet (read: the whole danm thing) in one device: now people are annoyed that you aren't updating your stupid twitter account every time you cross the street.

2. Everything about Apple is pretty much retarded and old by the time you see it.
Remember that little Apple laptop that could fit in an envelope? It was maybe as thin as your grandmother's hair? It was pretty stupid. Why? Becuase laptops aren't supposed to be able to be broken by an infant breathing on it. Toughbooks were made for falling out of the Empire State Building (it happens less often then you think, morons) and the Airbook or whatever was made to be flung to Scotland from Dubai by simply getting the angle right. The iPhone is no different: it's a PDA (google that too, because you probably don't know what one really is) that has a phone attached to it. Blackberry has been doing that pretty much since the 30's and they are actually getting tired of doing it- it's called a laptop. Get one. You can get a used one for less than an iPhone and you still don't need the internet wherever you are.

3. You most likely look like a douche when you use one.
This is less about Apple being 'mainstream' and more about it's touchscreen: it's not that revolutionary. PDA's have had this since forever. There's a reason they all have stylus: your fingers are goddam retarded for something so small. Think about it: touchscreens barely even work at the damn bank, let alone on a screen a fraction of the size with buttons smaller than your pinky. The iPhone was simply programmed to take your sausage of a finger and more or less guess (literally) what you wanted to touch, and they got pretty good at making it guess right.

4. There's a lot of apps at the App Store because you're an idiot.
You don't need to use your iPhone as a level. If you are putting up a picture frame you really shouldn't have your phone anywhere near a hammer, nails, or whatever you think you need to hang up that $15 picture frame from target. Put it in another room and just turn the ring up a little. Unless it's a damn good game, don't buy any of them- most of them are pointless and unless you get something like Scrabble (which is proven to at least keep you as smart as you are, if not make you smarter) you are wasting whatever little money you have left from buying that stupid thing. Because you have the internet on that shit pile, you don't need any app that gives you any sort of information that you know is on the internet somewhere already. For example, if you live in a place that has more restaraunts than cars, you really don't need your phone to tell you where to go for Chinese food- look for the damn neon Kanji characters on the building and make sure there aren't men in suits with guns or prostitutes hanging around, and you'll be fine (actually, this goes for pretty much anywhere, not just restaraunts.) If you're too lazy to look up directions to somewhere before you go in the first place anyway, you deserve to be lost, because you are a moron.

So, don't buy an iPhone, or pretty much any phone that does anything other than call or text people and you'll be fine. Future generations will thank you for not being a goddam doucebag.


That's all the time I have for right now- there's a lot more that I was going to rant about but it's getting late and I'm pretty sure if I kept going I'd be hauled out in a body bag the cororner would look at me and just shake his head, saying something along the lines of "tapdancing jesus, another one."